I’m off to the pool

At some point over these past months – with the help of an excellent grief councellor I’ve found myself slowly gaining a foothold on a new life, a different life.  My sadness is less intense and I am gaining a new perspective… and it’s okay. Not to say I don’t have moments but they are getting less in frequency and intensity.  Its true – … time is the greatest healer.  One thing I’ve learned not just from my experience in coping with grief but also in healing is that my strength and resilience comes from some spark deep within my being.  My guess is that we all possess this  and it is what gets us through tough times. I’m not alone – there are countless souls suffering and surviving.  What is remarkable is with the pain of loss comes an enhanced capacity to appreciate the simple joys we experience everyday.  Small things that help blunt the sharp edge of despair have helped me better understand the nature of my exsistence.   

This is Life , this is all you get….

Yup a big ole mess of stuff – some happy, some sad, some easy, some hard, some of everything.  My grief councellor told me when I began talking about the past couple of years and what I’d been going through… she explained life challenges and changes create stress for all of us and they have measurements for them: such as Loss of a job, a new job, moving, death of a close relative, friend, serious illness of a child or spouse… she explained there wasn’t a spot for me on the chart – I was  off the chart!! haha 

I realized I don’t get second chances for today. Sure, sure there is always tomorrow but you can’t go back and change yesterday…. unless you have some magic ability to transcend time and place. You have to live today and no matter what is going on there is stuff going on – good, bad, amazing and awful.  The trick is to deal with whatever comes your way with the knowledge that you can deal with it no matter what.  The clock continues to move time forward and how you choose to deal with it is how you deal with.  The beauty is you have the choice… once you get that then everything else makes sense ( for the moment – anyway)  I have a new life – I have learned some really, really hard lessons and yes I have unfinished business.  Lots of it…. some will be hard to deal with , some won’t but I do know without a doubt – if I don’t face things they will come up and bite me on my behind!

I haven’t been to an OA meeting in months and I do miss my friends.  BUT  I couldn’t go.  I didn’t know why but I think Ive figured out that the one thing I wanted from OA I wasn’t going to get. Acceptance and understanding…. It’s a process and I felt judged.  I had a wonderful sponsor who dumped me and that was the beginning of the end.  I completely understood the reasons I completely accepted why but when I tried to go to meetings I keep thinking I was doing it wrong. I wasn’t  true to the program somehow, true to my fellow OAers – The 12 steps weren’t working for me and I was struggling looking for answers.  Then my world really did come unglued….

I wondered if I had continued going would I have had an easier time of it.  I say the serenity prayer regularly.  I remind myself that my will may not be my path.  I give myself over to the universe, I pray and ask for guidance and when I ask if I should return to OA the answer I receive is not yet and maybe never.  Maybe I’m not a compulsive over eater ? I can say with complete certainty that my relationship with food is very different today then when I first attended OA meetings.  I was helped but it wasn’t the 12 steps that did it.  It was the people and their struggles and understanding I wasn’t alone, or weird.

Guilt

My first confession to anyone who reads this is I feel very guilty about how I was helped and then I abandoned OA.  My struggle with my weight and my obsession with losing/gaining and eating/starving and crying  for relief…. that I don’t do this anymore and maybe I could help someone else who is suffering the way I did.  I’m sorry I can’t do it at OA meetings right now. I’m sorry if I let anyone down, I’m really , really sorry….

I’m in my kitchen preparing my food for the day. I’ve got my snack for mid morning and I’chop up cucumber, red pepper and toss it over my spinach salad.  I put a sprinkling of nuts in a ziploc bag so they won’t go soft and make a turkey and swiss sandwich – oh yes I better take an apple….  I’ll chop a bit up for my salad just before I eat it.  I am planning on going to McDonalds for an early morning breakfast.  I decide I won’t have a hashbrown with my egg mcmuffin – the only thing I let myself have besides a coffee which I do quite enjoy.  It’s early and the rain is steady i love the sound of it hitting the roof of my car.  I want comfort I feel so alone…. McDonalds isn’t comfort I realize there is no comfort – there is no normal. I order – and I go for the hashbrown – crap!  Well I eat it as I’m driving East down Oxford St.  The tears start …… I cry a lot these days usually when I’m alone, driving or reading or listening to music.  My tears know no boundaries though and sometimes they come when I really don’t want them to.  I think of the message on my phone from a friend I haven’t heard from in a while – we know each other through OA she says shes thinking of me and invites me to Saturdays meeting.  Someones speaking and shes very inspiring…. oh I think this might work well. I want to go I want to see my friends – I miss them….. I know they love me unconditionally and except me with all my weaknesses and they understand my pain as I do theirs. I pray for my dear,dear friends….

The problem I have is that I’m afraid to go to the meeting – I’m so vunerable and I feel like I might shatter into a thousand pieces. This week has been so hard, more than I expected.  I thought it would be better, easier now that Bev’s funeral is over – I can get back to normal.  I’ve managed to hold myself together, to function – go to work,  a bit of stuff around the house I’ve tried to monitor my eating – writing down thoughts and portions.  I’ve made myself go to bed early and sometimes I sleep but I have many wakings during my nights – they seem so long.  I’m tired of waking up tired but I’m feeling a bit better and I’m told what I need to do, by my doctor and my dietician and I try…. I ask my HP for help and I pray, I read, I go to the Y… but not to my meeting.  Am I working the program, am I 12 stepping…. No…. not like I have in the past – I don’t have the energy for it but I know it works and I know I’ll find my way back to it… can it be today??? Last week I was going to go – but I was sick and I had to work…. something had to be done for Monday (I don’t remember what?) This week I’m sitting at my desk typing this but will stop shortly so I can do the work I’ve come here to do.  Will I get it all done in time so I can go to the meeting? It doesn’t matter – I can leave ….there is no one here telling me NOT  to go.  Its me… its my grieving, shattered soul and I’m afraid I’ll start to cry and I won’t be able to stop, that my tears will become a river and then a lake and I will drown in them – Choking, coughing, sputtering and no air to breath – The anguish doesn’t last – it comes in waves and as suddenly as it comes over me it leaves – the feelings consume me but they do pass and then for a time I feel okay, a bit shaky but okay.  Losing two people you love within weeks of one another – dealing with job stress and tax season and guilt that I’m not doing what I should be doing……..    is at times torture.  I know I’ll survive this and time is the greatest healer.  For some reason I am isolating and work is my salvation.  I can lose myself in it and it won’t cause me to gain weight or make my sugar go sky high.  Its quiet concentration that gives me some relief from the shit storm of my life.  Its coming to an end - this weekend much of the backlog will be completed and there is no new work for me to do – it really is just about over. A little bit here and there and soon I’ll have just ONE job. As for where I’ll be at 11 o’clock this morning…. I’ll wait and see and trust.  If I feel like I can’t emotionally handle it then so be it.  I know this craziness won’t last and that I’ll be okay….  8:40 AM.

Now to work…..

I’m trying to process the happenings of the past month and it’s just not computing.  My understanding of the universe, my belief in and trust in my higher power has been put to the ultimate test.

On March 6, 2011 my world changed forever.  My brother-in-law who I would not have ever guessed would do such a thing – took his own life.  He’s been a part of my life for 40 years.  I can’t understand why, I ‘m sad , angry, confused and I don’t know how to feel.  I find myself wondering if I’ll ever feel normal again.  The truth is when a person you love does such a thing you can’t make sense of it and I suppose never will.  One thing it does do is it gets you thinking about life. I mean about the decision we make each day to keep breathing… to get up in the morning and go about our days.

I will be attending my friend”s funeral tomorrow.  She was diagnosed 5 short months ago with lung cancer and began fighting for her survival and never not even at the end did she give up on life!!  How can one person choose death and another fight so courageously.  Not saying my brother-in-law wasn’t courageous – he was in some twisted way.  Both had terminal illnesses – one of them was more silent with less obvious symptoms. My life has been consumed by loss and sadness.  Moving from a job I’ve had for 12 years to another job where I have so much to learn and I’m wondering if I really want to be there.  If not there  – what?  One thing  I do know is LIFE IS TOO SHORT and I want to make some changes to my life.

Writing will be a part of my daily routine again – I will take care of myself and put myself and my family ahead of work!!! and I think I’ll start now…

I don’t want to go back to normal…….

I’m dealing with a lot of crap right now  – I use the word crap because it sounds good. C-R-A-P….  yes it’s an appropriate word.  I have so much stuff to cope with that I’m asking the question WHY – why am I working  – sitting at my desk attempting to get the work done – that will or won’t — I’m sooooo tired – so emotionally drained —sssoooo frustrated confused and overwhelmed.  Yet here I am!! WTF

My work life is a shambles and my outlook on the future uncertain.  To keep going in the capacity that I’m working is insanity.  It’s time for me to make some wholesale changes – to figure out what I want to do and then how do I set about doing it. I am praying for help and guidance… I’m going to trust and put these problems and issues out into the universe and believe that it will be revealed.  In the meantime I’m going to do an awesome job!! because that is how I work, because that is who I am, because I believe hard work and commitment will be rewarded (maybe not financially) but I can hold my head up and say I did my best and even if it isn’t enough – if it doesn’t change anything – I can know in my heart that it wasn’t because I didn’t do my best -

So I’m packing up and tomorrow morning I’m coming to work early to get a fresh start on things and put a fresh face on it.  Here’s hoping

Well another New Years Eve come and gone.  The past couple of months has blown past.  It’s been tough on a number of fronts.

I like making lists – they are so orderly and to the point.  So I’m going to make a list of everything that happened in 2010 – good and bad and what I want to accomplish in 2011.

Stay tuned…. I’ll publish once it’s complete…

how many times have  I thought about it – about it happening – about becoming my mother…. she was diagnosed in her late 40’s and here I am with the same diagnosis in my late 40’s.  She never dealt with it. Never accepted that eating sugary foods,  not exercising, being over weight would harm her – would shorten her life and would greatly effect the quality of her life.  I have been critical of her and judgmental.  Blaming her for not taking better care of herself.  Yet here I am – in the identical place.  I’ve struggled with my weight for my entire adult life…..

But I’m Not My Mother…..

Friday morning I received the official diagnosis… I have type II diabetes.  I was expecting it but when I heard the ACTUAL words I felt like I’d been kicked in the stomach.  I’m shocked at how it made me feel. I was so prepared.  Funny how things work out – Friday afternoon my daughter and I went to see a dietician – an appointment we had for weeks.  She was fabulous… listened to both of us – talked to my daughter in a way that did not minimize her affliction and not once did I feel judged.  The truth is – I’m disappointed in myself.. I’m wishing that I could have done more – been better, smarter.  But I have worked really hard on changing my bad habits. I accepted that my problem was bigger than me and that I needed help.  That I couldn’t do it alone.  I did get help and I have made so many changes.  Wow you know what – I just realized I’m not my mother!!

Things I’ve learned and things that I’ve changed -

1. Two years ago this January 1st – I quit eating chocolate and drinking alcohol. Soon after that I quit eating peanut butter too.
2. I joined Over Eaters Anonymous and found out that I am not alone.
3. I began attending meetings and started to work the 12 steps.
4. I got a sponsor who helped me on so many levels -
5. I developed a plan of eating with my sponsor and hp as guides
6. I prayed
7. I wrote this blog
8. I survived my 16 year old daughter’s mental breakdown, the death of our beloved golden retriever Rumour, my dear cousin’s death, difficulties at work and monumental financial stress.
9. I survived my own overwhelming feelings and old emotional wounds – I worked through them and learned I didn’t have to eat because of them.
10. I’ve forgiven myself and am free to succeed at whatever I choose to do.
11. I’ve forgiven those who have wronged me – I no longer blame everyone else for my problems.
12. I learned to live in the moment and to take one day at a time.

so it’s true I’m me – and this is my journey – just like my daughter is on her own journey.  Sure I feel sad that she has these struggles – but I know she has me. Even if we scream at each other – we both know we love each other and can understand on a level so deep its easy to get lost in it. The next phase of this journey has arrived – I’ll do everything in my power to trust in the process and I know that one day at a time will get me to my goal of a healthy mind & body.