The Thin Side

Yesterday was a long very full day – not as long as the day before but still long.  What’s truly amazing is how much I actually accomplished given how tired I felt.   I’m not sure it’s a good thing but it does go to show you how tough I can be and how far a little push can go.  I push myself a lot and most of my self talk these days is spent pushing myself to do whatever it is I’m suppose to be doing.   I had to push myself out of bed this morning okay well I have to do this every morning… My point is even though I really don’t want to do it – secretly deep down I would rather not…. I do!  I get up I write, I get ready for work, I work, I go to the gym I workout and come home and then start all over again.  Through all my whining and complaining (in my head) I know that hard work (the right kind) pays off in the end.  I will lose weight, I will remain abstinent, I will feel better… the things promised by our trainer – more energy, feel stronger and look better. Pushing myself is necessary – without it I would just stop.  I want to feel better and look better but what I want most is my health!! I believe without a shadow of a doubt the path to better health is the one I’m on – so I continue to ask for the strength and desire to do it.  My trainer wants to see more sweat…. I want to punch him but I dig in I trust I’m doing what is needed.  He’s a triathlete I’m a bump on a log.  I guess he probably knows …. a bit more than I do about what a person needs to do to get in better shape

One thing for sure – if this doesn’t kill me first it will make me stronger!

Getting Excited about Exercise

…is an oxymoron to me – the two don’t really go together.  Our second class last night was tough sledding to say the least.  We warmed up by doing 10 minutes on the treadmill which I avoided by going on the cross trainer.  My feet hurt anyway so I’ll try the tread mill tomorrow.  Then we did a circuit where we had stations and for 45 seconds we did different kinds of exercises.  Everything hurt and everything was hard and I was sweating a lot. BUT I did it and afterwards I felt a little weak around the knees. I’m told by the trainers who are working with us that it will get easier and more enjoyable.  I’m not sure I believe them I think they might be masochists. Continue Reading…

I’ve over slept this morning – probably because I was up until 11:30 last night working on a project that needed to be completed by today.  I got it done! Unfortunately I didn’t write much on the weekend.  I don’t have much time to write this morning. I’m not backing away from my commitment I just don’t have as much time as I would like to get it written – but here is a start at least.

I wanted to write about love – I’ve been thinking a lot about love because of a book I’m reading.  The author suggests that love is the key and compulsive eating is my doorway into finding and understanding it.  I have for the better part of my life – felt unlovable.  I know it sounds sad and maybe even a little bit crazy.  This is true and has stopped me from doing many things.  I’ve felt I couldn’t do things because I wasn’t smart enough or good enough.  I hid in the food, the work, the believe I wasn’t deserving of any kind of success.  The loving relationships I have in my life – My belief – I’ve fooled them, tricked them into thinking I’m worthy.  If they saw the real me (whoever, whatever that is I don’t honestly know) but if they did…. well they wouldn’t love me. Continue Reading…

Eight Hours a Night

I definitely need to get more sleep.  waking up at 5:30 AM each morning to write is the only way I’ll be able to keep up with my commitment.  I have to get to bed earlier.  I don’t  feel like going to bed at 9:30 PM but that’s 8 hours.  Last night it was 10:15 – not bad. Waking up this morning was like pulling myself out of a bed of mud.  I think the problem is cumulative… as the week progresses the more tired I get.  I was planning on getting up early tomorrow and going into my second job.  I’m going to sleep in! I’ll work tomorrow night. Continue Reading…

Yesterday…..

went really well – I followed my plan of eating and as I sit here and type I realize my stomach is growling and I want breakfast.  It feels good to be hungry – to really feel hunger – it’s quite different from what I use to think the feeling was. As a compulsive over eater I really didn’t know what hungry felt like until I stopped eating compulsively. So,  I have my plan for this morning and once I’ve finished writing, I’ll go get myself ready for work and then I’ll sit down for a nice leisurely breakfast with my sweetheart.  I’m so blessed to have this man in my life. Tomorrow we celebrate 21 years of marriage. Continue Reading…

the first day back

Hello I’m back on my blog after an incredibly busy summer.  I love the beginning of September – I enjoy getting back into a routine. ( I need a routine) and I enjoy the weather, the first day back to school. the getting back to work and down to business. This year I have the same feeling and the same plans as other years but I know its different too. I know the changes I’m putting into force are important and have to be a priority. My health and the health of my daughter is my first priority. Continue Reading…

Making a plan and sticking to it has always been a good thing for me to do.  I like routine!.  The problem is I often times have too many things to do and then I fall off.  I have to rework the plan or I just give up because I can’t get it together.  I’m not giving up I’m getting real. I always try to do too much and can’t or won’t let go of things.  The other thing is I try to make monumental changes all at once and this just doesn’t work for me. Continue Reading…

When I talk about gaining awareness and understanding I can’t help but feel a bit upset.  I’ve been living with the knowledge that something isn’t quite right the way I think about food.  I’ve known this for a really long time (on some level) I do have increased awareness  but the stuff that is happening now is this increased understanding of why and how I may be different from “normal” eaters.  I’m really struggling with this whole idea and actually feel some anger and frustration at myself and this crazy awful disease.  It seems so simple  – just stop — stop everything and be normal… I know this doesn’t work except to further highlight the struggle. Really what is normal Continue Reading…

I had a dream a few nights ago that I had eaten chocolate.  I don’t remember eating it but Paul found wrappers in my purse – evidence…. ha,ha.  Thank goodness it was just a dream.  In the dream I was confused and the guilt and remorse I felt was intense.

I’ve had a rough week.  It started on Sunday and since then I’ve felt depressed and overwhelmed with emotion.  My beautiful daughter who struggles so with her disease had a really bad day on Sunday.  The reality of her situation came crashing home to her and to us (Paul & I).  We’ve had relative peace but Sunday was a reminder how deadly and insidious mental health problems are.

Tuesday was a free night and I had wanted to do so many things – ACTION.  I ended up laying on the couch all night and although I didn’t binge I did eat when I wasn’t hungry.  I don’t think it was a break in abstinence but I could feel my head going there.  I was turning to my old way of coping….  I know going down that path leads only to further despair.  I didn’t do any of the things I know help… I just felt so defeated and alone.  My old familiar feelings of hopelessness  and the self-defeating inner talk were present and looking for a foothold.

I feel a bit better today – I have to write. My commitment to my blog has been waining and that’s my disease.  It doesn’t matter how busy I am ot how tired or upset I am.  Putting my thoughts out to the universe, cyberspace whatever gives me an outlet.  I know what works – so I pray and ask for help and guidance.  I know it works.

Where to begin…..

I’ve been away from my blog for about a week and I guess I needed the break.  I’m amazed at the turn of events over these past few days and my emotions -  When I wrote my last entry I felt fine with it and fine with the way it had emerged.  I feel a little embarrassed at my openness -  a little exposed even when I re-read it just now…  But if I’m to be finished with this and be true to my inner guide and higher power I have to trust.  When I trust without question, when I feel without censoring or repressing I gain an awareness and freedom from the emotional pain I’ve been trying my entire life to escape from.  This is a miracle and this is what I have to gain as I commence with my 4th step.                                                                                                    

Renewal after a Milestone

It’s time to renew my program as I move into this next year.  I’m thrilled with my progress and amazed at the way my life has changed.   Living in the moment and day by day,  one day at a time, one action at a time, one small little change at a time – these little changes lead to the bigger life altering ones.  I’m living proof that this strategy works!! It isn’t easy but it is worth it… because I’m worth it.

What’s next (beside a wee bit of let down)

A commitment to myself, to my sponsor,   to my fellow OAer’s to continue working the 12 steps. To tighten up my program (again) and to continue to trust in my inner guide and higher power – by being present in my life – moment by moment.