The Thin Side

Well what can I say its been way to long since I posted on my blog.  I had to stop writing because I lost myself in my work and then life dealt me some really tough blows.  I’ve had a year of loses and it’s hard to even know where to go from here.  I’ve learned a lot though and I can honestly say the most important thing I learned is I’m a survivor. Continue Reading…

6:30 AM

I’m in my kitchen preparing my food for the day. I’ve got my snack for mid morning and I’chop up cucumber, red pepper and toss it over my spinach salad.  I put a sprinkling of nuts in a ziploc bag so they won’t go soft and make a turkey and swiss sandwich – oh yes I better take an apple….  I’ll chop a bit up for my salad just before I eat it.  I am planning on going to McDonalds for an early morning breakfast.  I decide I won’t have a hashbrown with my egg mcmuffin – the only thing I let myself have besides a coffee which I do quite enjoy.  It’s early and the rain is steady i love the sound of it hitting the roof of my car.  I want comfort I feel so alone…. McDonalds isn’t comfort I realize there is no comfort – there is no normal. I order – and I go for the hashbrown – crap!  Well I eat it as I’m driving East down Oxford St.  The tears start …… I cry a lot these days usually when I’m alone, driving or reading or listening to music.  My tears know no boundaries though and sometimes they come when I really don’t want them to.  I think of the message on my phone from a friend I haven’t heard from in a while – we know each other through OA she says shes thinking of me and invites me to Saturdays meeting.  Someones speaking and shes very inspiring…. oh I think this might work well. I want to go I want to see my friends – I miss them….. I know they love me unconditionally and except me with all my weaknesses and they understand my pain as I do theirs. I pray for my dear,dear friends…. Continue Reading…

haven’t written anything in a while … year ends are done and I will be getting my life back soon- My commitment is to write once a week minimum!! Probably a more realistic goal than once a day.

After worrying about becoming diabetic for the last few years it’s official.

how many times have  I thought about it – about it happening – about becoming my mother…. she was diagnosed in her late 40’s and here I am with the same diagnosis in my late 40’s.  She never dealt with it. Never accepted that eating sugary foods,  not exercising, being over weight would harm her – would shorten her life and would greatly effect the quality of her life.  I have been critical of her and judgmental.  Blaming her for not taking better care of herself.  Yet here I am – in the identical place.  I’ve struggled with my weight for my entire adult life….. Continue Reading…

What a creative title I’ve come up with today…. I’m playing the catch up game.  I worked late last night and I didn’t want to get out of bed this morning.  I’m driving to Toronto this afternoon after work to pick up my sister who is visiting from her home in Scotland. I am very excited to see her and catch up. 

I like my title because that is what I’m doing I’m fighting a losing battle – I’m working hard at losing weight and trying to get in better physical health.  I am now experiencing the physical recovery of my program.  I haven’t posted my weekly food plan yet but will soon.  Rest assured I am keeping track of all my food through my food & activity tracker at fitday.com. I’m running late so I have to head out – I’ll check in later and update my weekly plan….

Today the sun is shining and the flowers are blooming

YESTERDAY

Looking back over yesterday  I had some very anxious moments and a couple of times I felt so anxious I had trouble focusing and it felt extreme.  It was a day to remember but also a day to get through and a day to be glad its over.  The honesty part is I’m glad it’s over and of course it wasn’t as bad as I had anticipated…. shocker! To quickly recap yesterday sucked! Work was busy and I had to deal with some difficult situations – I did and now whatever will be will.  The serenity prayer helped a lot.  It was also a tough day food wise and I missed my fitness class. When I got to the Y I was 10 minutes late and then realized I didn’t have my running shoes. I could have gone swimming but  decided to just go home and finish up my work from here. I’m disappointed in myself  and trying not to beat myself up too bad. Lesson here – move on and focus on today because that is what I have. Continue Reading…

Dear Disease,

I’m angry – I don’t want you I don’t want to spend my valuable time dealing with you.

The reality is I do have you and by my accepting and acknowledging this – you lose the power and hold you have had over me. The more I resist the bigger you become. Continue Reading…

Zoom – It’s Friday

The week has gone FAST and a little bit better than last week,  I don’t feel as angry or on edge and I’m feeling more peace,  Thank you higher power! I haven’t really done much differently but I guess it’s about getting use to the changes,  Also writing down my food and keeping track – keeps me accountable,  I’ve heard people say this at my OA meeting but I just didn’t want to do it – my reasons were (I thought) because I didn’t want to be on another diet, that’s why I didn’t want to weigh and measure as well.  The truth is I have to cut my caloric intake and increase my activity and the only way I’m going to know where I’m at is  to keep track.

A New Discovery

The trainer who is working with my group told us about a web site called fitday.com – it’s free and very easy to use.  I like it a lot.  You can track your progress and it gives you guide lines to follow.  I’m keeping track of my food by entering into my food log.  I can print it off to show my trainer and my sponsor or review it on the site.  I’m still learning the nuances and I have to spend more time setting things up right now but as I use it it will get faster and easier to use.  If your looking for a really excellent weight management site – it is worth checking out. Time to get ready for work – so have a great abstinent day and remember – one day at a time….

The food diary is starting today….

that is I’m writing down what and how much I eat when I eat it and showing it to my trainer.  I may ask my sponsor to review it with me weekly so I’ll be scanning and posting.  I have to be accountable! I’m still going to post my weekly food plan and not deviate from it – but sometimes life gets in the way.  I’m feeling sorry for myself right now.  I’m mourning, I’m angry I could cry on a dime.  I ask my inner guide and my higher power for wisdom and strength. I don’t feel I’m coping well with these latest changes but I know I need them – for my health and future well being.  I do  understand why I’m feeling this way… my program continues to evolve and like I’ve said before – it’s hard! and it sucks…. but it really does need to happen.

Breakfast: 1 egg w/egg whites(2) green  & yellow peppers, green onion slice lean ham and 1 sl. swiss cheese, 1 sl. ww bread lightly buttered, c. tea w/ milk

Snack: apple

Lunch: ham & cheese sandwich, veggies

Snack: pear, 1/8c mixed nuts (roasted, no salt)

Supper: 1 1/2 c chili (turkey) salad w/feta & sun dried tomato dressing

snack: 1/2c cottage cheese, tomato

So above is my plan for today – but I’m writing it in my book as well – if I deviate from it for whatever reason it goes down in the book….

Good news is I only gained 2 of the 3 pounds I lost … -

Saturday at the OA meeting I attend each week I listened to another members story.  What struck me like a lightening bolt was that no matter what we are dealing with, health problems, work pressures, or relationship issues, one thing stays the same – we live life one day at a time.  Looking back and ruminating over the past or worrying about what is going to happen tomorrow doesn’t help us live for today.  I believe we have to make plans I know its important to have a game plan for the week.  I  know that today is all I have -one small action at a time…

I’ve been struggling this past week with trying to make some pretty big changes.  Going to the gym and working out and eating a more regimented food plan.  Drinking more water and staying away from in between meal  snacking, especially after supper.  I’m also dealing with fatigue.  I feel tired in an unnatural way – to my core.  Everything I do is a push.  Right now as I write this I’m in my bed and I could close my laptop and return to sleep.  I can’t do this – I have to go to work – then my second job and then go to the gym.  I’m getting up right now! hehe

I’m about to shower which I hope will make me feel better and then I’ll have a nice breakfast – if I have time I’m going to make oatmeal if not I’ll have cereal with fruit and nuts. My weekly food plan is under construction and I’ll post it today during a break.  My hunger gage is on full – rarely do I feel this level of hunger in the morning.  Odd….