Well what can I say its been way to long since I posted on my blog.  I had to stop writing because I lost myself in my work and then life dealt me some really tough blows.  I’ve had a year of loses and it’s hard to even know where to go from here.  I’ve learned a lot though and I can honestly say the most important thing I learned is I’m a survivor.

I haven’t been to an OA meeting in months and I do miss my friends.  BUT  I couldn’t go.  I didn’t know why but I think Ive figured out that the one thing I wanted from OA I wasn’t going to get. Acceptance and understanding…. It’s a process and I felt judged.  I had a wonderful sponsor who dumped me and that was the beginning of the end.  I completely understood the reasons I completely accepted why but when I tried to go to meetings I keep thinking I was doing it wrong. I wasn’t  true to the program somehow, true to my fellow OAers – The 12 steps weren’t working for me and I was struggling looking for answers.  Then my world really did come unglued….

I wondered if I had continued going would I have had an easier time of it.  I say the serenity prayer regularly.  I remind myself that my will may not be my path.  I give myself over to the universe, I pray and ask for guidance and when I ask if I should return to OA the answer I receive is not yet and maybe never.  Maybe I’m not a compulsive over eater ? I can say with complete certainty that my relationship with food is very different today then when I first attended OA meetings.  I was helped but it wasn’t the 12 steps that did it.  It was the people and their struggles and understanding I wasn’t alone, or weird.

Guilt

My first confession to anyone who reads this is I feel very guilty about how I was helped and then I abandoned OA.  My struggle with my weight and my obsession with losing/gaining and eating/starving and crying  for relief…. that I don’t do this anymore and maybe I could help someone else who is suffering the way I did.  I’m sorry I can’t do it at OA meetings right now. I’m sorry if I let anyone down, I’m really , really sorry….