6:30 AM

I’m in my kitchen preparing my food for the day. I’ve got my snack for mid morning and I’chop up cucumber, red pepper and toss it over my spinach salad.  I put a sprinkling of nuts in a ziploc bag so they won’t go soft and make a turkey and swiss sandwich – oh yes I better take an apple….  I’ll chop a bit up for my salad just before I eat it.  I am planning on going to McDonalds for an early morning breakfast.  I decide I won’t have a hashbrown with my egg mcmuffin – the only thing I let myself have besides a coffee which I do quite enjoy.  It’s early and the rain is steady i love the sound of it hitting the roof of my car.  I want comfort I feel so alone…. McDonalds isn’t comfort I realize there is no comfort – there is no normal. I order – and I go for the hashbrown – crap!  Well I eat it as I’m driving East down Oxford St.  The tears start …… I cry a lot these days usually when I’m alone, driving or reading or listening to music.  My tears know no boundaries though and sometimes they come when I really don’t want them to.  I think of the message on my phone from a friend I haven’t heard from in a while – we know each other through OA she says shes thinking of me and invites me to Saturdays meeting.  Someones speaking and shes very inspiring…. oh I think this might work well. I want to go I want to see my friends – I miss them….. I know they love me unconditionally and except me with all my weaknesses and they understand my pain as I do theirs. I pray for my dear,dear friends….

The problem I have is that I’m afraid to go to the meeting – I’m so vunerable and I feel like I might shatter into a thousand pieces. This week has been so hard, more than I expected.  I thought it would be better, easier now that Bev’s funeral is over – I can get back to normal.  I’ve managed to hold myself together, to function – go to work,  a bit of stuff around the house I’ve tried to monitor my eating – writing down thoughts and portions.  I’ve made myself go to bed early and sometimes I sleep but I have many wakings during my nights – they seem so long.  I’m tired of waking up tired but I’m feeling a bit better and I’m told what I need to do, by my doctor and my dietician and I try…. I ask my HP for help and I pray, I read, I go to the Y… but not to my meeting.  Am I working the program, am I 12 stepping…. No…. not like I have in the past – I don’t have the energy for it but I know it works and I know I’ll find my way back to it… can it be today??? Last week I was going to go – but I was sick and I had to work…. something had to be done for Monday (I don’t remember what?) This week I’m sitting at my desk typing this but will stop shortly so I can do the work I’ve come here to do.  Will I get it all done in time so I can go to the meeting? It doesn’t matter – I can leave ….there is no one here telling me NOT  to go.  Its me… its my grieving, shattered soul and I’m afraid I’ll start to cry and I won’t be able to stop, that my tears will become a river and then a lake and I will drown in them – Choking, coughing, sputtering and no air to breath – The anguish doesn’t last – it comes in waves and as suddenly as it comes over me it leaves – the feelings consume me but they do pass and then for a time I feel okay, a bit shaky but okay.  Losing two people you love within weeks of one another – dealing with job stress and tax season and guilt that I’m not doing what I should be doing……..    is at times torture.  I know I’ll survive this and time is the greatest healer.  For some reason I am isolating and work is my salvation.  I can lose myself in it and it won’t cause me to gain weight or make my sugar go sky high.  Its quiet concentration that gives me some relief from the shit storm of my life.  Its coming to an end - this weekend much of the backlog will be completed and there is no new work for me to do – it really is just about over. A little bit here and there and soon I’ll have just ONE job. As for where I’ll be at 11 o’clock this morning…. I’ll wait and see and trust.  If I feel like I can’t emotionally handle it then so be it.  I know this craziness won’t last and that I’ll be okay….  8:40 AM.

Now to work…..