March 2011 ……. a really, really bad month

I’m trying to process the happenings of the past month and it’s just not computing.  My understanding of the universe, my belief in and trust in my higher power has been put to the ultimate test.

On March 6, 2011 my world changed forever.  My brother-in-law who I would not have ever guessed would do such a thing – took his own life.  He’s been a part of my life for 40 years.  I can’t understand why, I ‘m sad , angry, confused and I don’t know how to feel.  I find myself wondering if I’ll ever feel normal again.  The truth is when a person you love does such a thing you can’t make sense of it and I suppose never will.  One thing it does do is it gets you thinking about life. I mean about the decision we make each day to keep breathing… to get up in the morning and go about our days.

I will be attending my friend”s funeral tomorrow.  She was diagnosed 5 short months ago with lung cancer and began fighting for her survival and never not even at the end did she give up on life!!  How can one person choose death and another fight so courageously.  Not saying my brother-in-law wasn’t courageous – he was in some twisted way.  Both had terminal illnesses – one of them was more silent with less obvious symptoms. My life has been consumed by loss and sadness.  Moving from a job I’ve had for 12 years to another job where I have so much to learn and I’m wondering if I really want to be there.  If not there  – what?  One thing  I do know is LIFE IS TOO SHORT and I want to make some changes to my life.

Writing will be a part of my daily routine again – I will take care of myself and put myself and my family ahead of work!!! and I think I’ll start now…

I don’t want to go back to normal…….