The Thin Side

6:30 AM

I’m in my kitchen preparing my food for the day. I’ve got my snack for mid morning and I’chop up cucumber, red pepper and toss it over my spinach salad.  I put a sprinkling of nuts in a ziploc bag so they won’t go soft and make a turkey and swiss sandwich – oh yes I better take an apple….  I’ll chop a bit up for my salad just before I eat it.  I am planning on going to McDonalds for an early morning breakfast.  I decide I won’t have a hashbrown with my egg mcmuffin – the only thing I let myself have besides a coffee which I do quite enjoy.  It’s early and the rain is steady i love the sound of it hitting the roof of my car.  I want comfort I feel so alone…. McDonalds isn’t comfort I realize there is no comfort – there is no normal. I order – and I go for the hashbrown – crap!  Well I eat it as I’m driving East down Oxford St.  The tears start …… I cry a lot these days usually when I’m alone, driving or reading or listening to music.  My tears know no boundaries though and sometimes they come when I really don’t want them to.  I think of the message on my phone from a friend I haven’t heard from in a while – we know each other through OA she says shes thinking of me and invites me to Saturdays meeting.  Someones speaking and shes very inspiring…. oh I think this might work well. I want to go I want to see my friends – I miss them….. I know they love me unconditionally and except me with all my weaknesses and they understand my pain as I do theirs. I pray for my dear,dear friends…. Continue Reading…

I’ve been sick this week.  Not a surprise since I’ve been going through a pretty difficult time.  I’ve been dealing with a lot of loss. I’m trying to figure out how to grieve.  I’ve been trying to make some changes and I keep coming up against roadblocks.  Life gets in the way as the expression goes.  No more… my very wise dietitian who tells me I can make better choices and I can make the changes necessary.  Roadblocks usually provide detours – so that is how I’ll handle things.  Today I’ve made the decision to love myself – to find away to love me – physically and emotionally.  Blogging for five minutes is a start!

March 2011 ……. a really, really bad month

I’m trying to process the happenings of the past month and it’s just not computing.  My understanding of the universe, my belief in and trust in my higher power has been put to the ultimate test.

On March 6, 2011 my world changed forever.  My brother-in-law who I would not have ever guessed would do such a thing – took his own life.  He’s been a part of my life for 40 years.  I can’t understand why, I ‘m sad , angry, confused and I don’t know how to feel.  I find myself wondering if I’ll ever feel normal again.  The truth is when a person you love does such a thing you can’t make sense of it and I suppose never will.  One thing it does do is it gets you thinking about life. I mean about the decision we make each day to keep breathing… to get up in the morning and go about our days.

I will be attending my friend”s funeral tomorrow.  She was diagnosed 5 short months ago with lung cancer and began fighting for her survival and never not even at the end did she give up on life!!  How can one person choose death and another fight so courageously.  Not saying my brother-in-law wasn’t courageous – he was in some twisted way.  Both had terminal illnesses – one of them was more silent with less obvious symptoms. My life has been consumed by loss and sadness.  Moving from a job I’ve had for 12 years to another job where I have so much to learn and I’m wondering if I really want to be there.  If not there  – what?  One thing  I do know is LIFE IS TOO SHORT and I want to make some changes to my life.

Writing will be a part of my daily routine again – I will take care of myself and put myself and my family ahead of work!!! and I think I’ll start now…

I don’t want to go back to normal…….