The Thin Side

Saturday morning and I haven’t been in the pool in weeks.  I wake up and I want to go.  My local Y opens at 7am and I’m ready…. I look forward to slipping in the water and finding a steady rhythm of breathing, moving my arms and legs, feeling the stress leave me.  I look forward to after my swim – sitting in the whirlpool for 10 minutes and the sauna for 10 minutes.  Then a nice long shower – its like the spa…

I’m off to the pool

Finding Peace  – What is peace?  I am feeling better – but I wouldn’t say I’m at peace. I guess I have some unfinished business to attend to.  When I review the past 8 months and read over some of my posts and other writings I understand better (at least for this moment) the very precarious nature of my foothold.  I wonder why I had to weather this on my own, why Icouldn’t turn to my OA friends, my closest friends or my sisters or my husband for support. Why have I been content to be alone…. in my anguish? Continue Reading…

Well what can I say its been way to long since I posted on my blog.  I had to stop writing because I lost myself in my work and then life dealt me some really tough blows.  I’ve had a year of loses and it’s hard to even know where to go from here.  I’ve learned a lot though and I can honestly say the most important thing I learned is I’m a survivor. Continue Reading…

6:30 AM

I’m in my kitchen preparing my food for the day. I’ve got my snack for mid morning and I’chop up cucumber, red pepper and toss it over my spinach salad.  I put a sprinkling of nuts in a ziploc bag so they won’t go soft and make a turkey and swiss sandwich – oh yes I better take an apple….  I’ll chop a bit up for my salad just before I eat it.  I am planning on going to McDonalds for an early morning breakfast.  I decide I won’t have a hashbrown with my egg mcmuffin – the only thing I let myself have besides a coffee which I do quite enjoy.  It’s early and the rain is steady i love the sound of it hitting the roof of my car.  I want comfort I feel so alone…. McDonalds isn’t comfort I realize there is no comfort – there is no normal. I order – and I go for the hashbrown – crap!  Well I eat it as I’m driving East down Oxford St.  The tears start …… I cry a lot these days usually when I’m alone, driving or reading or listening to music.  My tears know no boundaries though and sometimes they come when I really don’t want them to.  I think of the message on my phone from a friend I haven’t heard from in a while – we know each other through OA she says shes thinking of me and invites me to Saturdays meeting.  Someones speaking and shes very inspiring…. oh I think this might work well. I want to go I want to see my friends – I miss them….. I know they love me unconditionally and except me with all my weaknesses and they understand my pain as I do theirs. I pray for my dear,dear friends…. Continue Reading…

I’ve been sick this week.  Not a surprise since I’ve been going through a pretty difficult time.  I’ve been dealing with a lot of loss. I’m trying to figure out how to grieve.  I’ve been trying to make some changes and I keep coming up against roadblocks.  Life gets in the way as the expression goes.  No more… my very wise dietitian who tells me I can make better choices and I can make the changes necessary.  Roadblocks usually provide detours – so that is how I’ll handle things.  Today I’ve made the decision to love myself – to find away to love me – physically and emotionally.  Blogging for five minutes is a start!

March 2011 ……. a really, really bad month

I’m trying to process the happenings of the past month and it’s just not computing.  My understanding of the universe, my belief in and trust in my higher power has been put to the ultimate test.

On March 6, 2011 my world changed forever.  My brother-in-law who I would not have ever guessed would do such a thing – took his own life.  He’s been a part of my life for 40 years.  I can’t understand why, I ‘m sad , angry, confused and I don’t know how to feel.  I find myself wondering if I’ll ever feel normal again.  The truth is when a person you love does such a thing you can’t make sense of it and I suppose never will.  One thing it does do is it gets you thinking about life. I mean about the decision we make each day to keep breathing… to get up in the morning and go about our days.

I will be attending my friend”s funeral tomorrow.  She was diagnosed 5 short months ago with lung cancer and began fighting for her survival and never not even at the end did she give up on life!!  How can one person choose death and another fight so courageously.  Not saying my brother-in-law wasn’t courageous – he was in some twisted way.  Both had terminal illnesses – one of them was more silent with less obvious symptoms. My life has been consumed by loss and sadness.  Moving from a job I’ve had for 12 years to another job where I have so much to learn and I’m wondering if I really want to be there.  If not there  – what?  One thing  I do know is LIFE IS TOO SHORT and I want to make some changes to my life.

Writing will be a part of my daily routine again – I will take care of myself and put myself and my family ahead of work!!! and I think I’ll start now…

I don’t want to go back to normal…….

Sometimes things aren’t as they seem – sometimes it’s hard to know what the right thing is to do.  The hard stuff, the crap life hands you sometimes doesn’t make any sense at the time – but the truth is at some point if you take the time and you let yourself trust in the process –  answers to questions are revealed – peace and understanding will come. 

I’m dealing with a lot of crap right now  – I use the word crap because it sounds good. C-R-A-P….  yes it’s an appropriate word.  I have so much stuff to cope with that I’m asking the question WHY – why am I working  – sitting at my desk attempting to get the work done – that will or won’t — I’m sooooo tired – so emotionally drained —sssoooo frustrated confused and overwhelmed.  Yet here I am!! WTF

My work life is a shambles and my outlook on the future uncertain.  To keep going in the capacity that I’m working is insanity.  It’s time for me to make some wholesale changes – to figure out what I want to do and then how do I set about doing it. I am praying for help and guidance… I’m going to trust and put these problems and issues out into the universe and believe that it will be revealed.  In the meantime I’m going to do an awesome job!! because that is how I work, because that is who I am, because I believe hard work and commitment will be rewarded (maybe not financially) but I can hold my head up and say I did my best and even if it isn’t enough – if it doesn’t change anything – I can know in my heart that it wasn’t because I didn’t do my best -

So I’m packing up and tomorrow morning I’m coming to work early to get a fresh start on things and put a fresh face on it.  Here’s hoping

haven’t written anything in a while … year ends are done and I will be getting my life back soon- My commitment is to write once a week minimum!! Probably a more realistic goal than once a day.

2011 just sounds weird to me!! 2011 – 2011 – 2011 -

Well another New Years Eve come and gone.  The past couple of months has blown past.  It’s been tough on a number of fronts.

I like making lists – they are so orderly and to the point.  So I’m going to make a list of everything that happened in 2010 – good and bad and what I want to accomplish in 2011.

Stay tuned…. I’ll publish once it’s complete…

After worrying about becoming diabetic for the last few years it’s official.

how many times have  I thought about it – about it happening – about becoming my mother…. she was diagnosed in her late 40’s and here I am with the same diagnosis in my late 40’s.  She never dealt with it. Never accepted that eating sugary foods,  not exercising, being over weight would harm her – would shorten her life and would greatly effect the quality of her life.  I have been critical of her and judgmental.  Blaming her for not taking better care of herself.  Yet here I am – in the identical place.  I’ve struggled with my weight for my entire adult life….. Continue Reading…